Mark: So, now that Foster is ready for cereal what should we use? Something kind of easy on him? Rice Crispies?
Amy: Ha ha ha. Good one.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Amy: Oh. Dear lord...
---
I was watching Nickelodeon the other day (sigh) and noticed something creepy. On most of the toy commercials with action figures there is a point when they fly across the screen in excitement, carried by anonymous hands as they battle each other. In alarming frequency you'll be able to see that the hands carrying the toys are adult hands. One I saw the other day actually had hair on the knuckles. *Shudder*
---
Now that we're feeding Foster, I have another word for my dad-dictionary: Decoy Spoon. This is not the main spoon to use, but rather the extra one that you have to psych your kid out in holding so you can actually get anything near his face. When Amy gave me one to use I kind of laughed at her at first. Now it's not so funny.
---
Another edition in the Dictionary is: TOH. This is what Amy and I type to each other when sometimes we're emailing or texting throughout the day. It means typing-one-handed (while holding the baby) and gives us permission to avoid punctuation, capitalization and basically be short without having hurt feelings.
---
Putting Foster to sleep, or rather, KEEPING him asleep is getting more and more delicate these nights. We think it's partly because he's becoming more interested in the sounds and smells around him. Anyway, it's making me feel like the Pink Panther whenever I enter or exit his room. Also, for some strange reason it's also the time of night when I'm at my clumsiest! If there is a chance I'll stub a foot or bang a door or knock over something...it's about 100 times more likely to happen when the baby is asleep. Why is that?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Caleb's letter to Santa (dictated to Mark)
Dear Santa,
How’s your wife, elves and reindeer doing? Did you have a good year last year? Can I have some more pictures of your reindeer?
This Christmas I want:
A computer
An Ipod
A DSI
Donkey Kong vs Mario DS Game
Wii Sonic Colors
Wii Monster Jam
A golden necklace
Stuffed animals bears
Webkinz
An electronic book reader thing (Amazon’s Kindle)
A sleighride on your sleigh
A new Toboggan
A full body snow suit
An electronic button
A robot that does everything I want it to
Wii Carnivals Games 1 and 2
Raymond Rabbids Travel through time Wii game
Donkey Kong Country DS Game
MLB Power Pros Wii Game
Mario Super Sluggers Wii Game
And Foster wants…
Jiggly Toys
Bouncy ball (that he wouldn’t choke on)
Baby cars and trucks
A Toy Microphone so he can make sounds in it.
Have a safe flight!
Love,
Caleb and Foster
How’s your wife, elves and reindeer doing? Did you have a good year last year? Can I have some more pictures of your reindeer?
This Christmas I want:
A computer
An Ipod
A DSI
Donkey Kong vs Mario DS Game
Wii Sonic Colors
Wii Monster Jam
A golden necklace
Stuffed animals bears
Webkinz
An electronic book reader thing (Amazon’s Kindle)
A sleighride on your sleigh
A new Toboggan
A full body snow suit
An electronic button
A robot that does everything I want it to
Wii Carnivals Games 1 and 2
Raymond Rabbids Travel through time Wii game
Donkey Kong Country DS Game
MLB Power Pros Wii Game
Mario Super Sluggers Wii Game
And Foster wants…
Jiggly Toys
Bouncy ball (that he wouldn’t choke on)
Baby cars and trucks
A Toy Microphone so he can make sounds in it.
Have a safe flight!
Love,
Caleb and Foster
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Oh yeah, I have a blog.
I believe in pacifier goblins. There is no way that we are so careless with these things that we just LOSE them all the time. I swear we've bought or been given 25 of these suckers (ha ha) over the past 4 months and now we're basically down to 2 or 3. We even bought a 3-pack of his favorite kind from Wal-Mart one day and I think one was gone before we got home from the store.
---
I think I've figured out a potential career for Foster when he gets older: Dairy Queen soft serve machine. The kid has some serious game in the pooping department. He's also got this amazing ability to poop against all laws of gravity up his back towards his shoulder blades. It's like his sphincter is a question mark or something. When I'm not angry about going through a whole bottle of Shout in a month, I'm actually impressed.
---
Baby Bjorn carriers are serious chick magnets. It seems like whenever I wear one in public I get lots of oos and awws from the ladies. Even Amy notices it. I guess it's because there is this whole "oh, look at him...he's SO into parenting" thing going on. Or perhaps there's a part of women who like to see a man slightly de-masculated...you know, like how it's more appealing to find a pet at the shelter who is potty trained already. I don't know. To me it's like a really large, wiggly fanny pack.
---
A recent change is going on with my sleeping routine. I've taken to going to the sofa halfway through the night and returning again before sunrise. Kind of like a sleep vampire. It's not that Foster is the reason I'm up all night...but I'm generally a very light sleeper in the first place and with three people in the bedroom it's really difficult for me to get 3-4 hours in a row uninterrupted. I feel bad heading downstairs a lot of the time, slinking away like I'm having an affair with the couch, but I'm a wimp and need my zzz's.
---
Now that Amy is about to stay at home with the kids, we've had some discussions about our "adult" time and how best to fit that in. Date nights are great when you can bring your kids to a sitter, however when the sitters come over to the house it all becomes a little tricky. Is it socially acceptable to invite a sitter over and just say "Have fun with the kids, we'll be upstairs with the TV on really loud!"?
Editor's (Amy) Note: No, it's not socially acceptable.
Rats.
---
I think I've figured out a potential career for Foster when he gets older: Dairy Queen soft serve machine. The kid has some serious game in the pooping department. He's also got this amazing ability to poop against all laws of gravity up his back towards his shoulder blades. It's like his sphincter is a question mark or something. When I'm not angry about going through a whole bottle of Shout in a month, I'm actually impressed.
---
Baby Bjorn carriers are serious chick magnets. It seems like whenever I wear one in public I get lots of oos and awws from the ladies. Even Amy notices it. I guess it's because there is this whole "oh, look at him...he's SO into parenting" thing going on. Or perhaps there's a part of women who like to see a man slightly de-masculated...you know, like how it's more appealing to find a pet at the shelter who is potty trained already. I don't know. To me it's like a really large, wiggly fanny pack.
---
A recent change is going on with my sleeping routine. I've taken to going to the sofa halfway through the night and returning again before sunrise. Kind of like a sleep vampire. It's not that Foster is the reason I'm up all night...but I'm generally a very light sleeper in the first place and with three people in the bedroom it's really difficult for me to get 3-4 hours in a row uninterrupted. I feel bad heading downstairs a lot of the time, slinking away like I'm having an affair with the couch, but I'm a wimp and need my zzz's.
---
Now that Amy is about to stay at home with the kids, we've had some discussions about our "adult" time and how best to fit that in. Date nights are great when you can bring your kids to a sitter, however when the sitters come over to the house it all becomes a little tricky. Is it socially acceptable to invite a sitter over and just say "Have fun with the kids, we'll be upstairs with the TV on really loud!"?
Editor's (Amy) Note: No, it's not socially acceptable.
Rats.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
More Randomness...
Having had the opportunity to stay at home with Fudge for a while...I've found that everything must be done in twenty minute increments. Feed the baby, change the baby, gently lay them down to sleep...then scramble like hell to get anything done. Especially things that require bending down. I give Amy super kudos for not going slightly mental with all of the uncertainty. Babies are like ticking timebombs (or even worse, dirty bombs).
Daycare thoughts:
--Ugly babies are held less than cute babies. Sad but true.
--Finding a good daycare unfortunately makes me feel bad two ways: One, if Fudge throws a fit in there then I feel bad for him and want to snatch him up. Two, if he's enjoying himself then I get jealous that he's giving smiles away that I could be collecting. I know it's stupid...but there you go.
--There should be a sign at daycares with a picture of high heels and the little ghostbusters red-circle thing with the line through it. My first day of picking up Fudge a woman was holding her baby and walking around and accidently stepped on the head of another baby. With spiked shoes! It caused quite the scene and made me think of buying Fudge a shoe helmet.
--Daycares are very institutional. There's a checkin and checkout process, scheduled times to do everything, and then at the end of the day they get a report card with how they did. Hmm.
Fudge is starting to smile with his whole body. Kind of like that monkey-with-the-cymbols toy.
Daycare thoughts:
--Ugly babies are held less than cute babies. Sad but true.
--Finding a good daycare unfortunately makes me feel bad two ways: One, if Fudge throws a fit in there then I feel bad for him and want to snatch him up. Two, if he's enjoying himself then I get jealous that he's giving smiles away that I could be collecting. I know it's stupid...but there you go.
--There should be a sign at daycares with a picture of high heels and the little ghostbusters red-circle thing with the line through it. My first day of picking up Fudge a woman was holding her baby and walking around and accidently stepped on the head of another baby. With spiked shoes! It caused quite the scene and made me think of buying Fudge a shoe helmet.
--Daycares are very institutional. There's a checkin and checkout process, scheduled times to do everything, and then at the end of the day they get a report card with how they did. Hmm.
Fudge is starting to smile with his whole body. Kind of like that monkey-with-the-cymbols toy.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
True or False
Babies cause you to lose a lot of sleep.
TRUE. Well, I should say that babies cause the MOM to lose a lot of sleep and the dad a little sleep.
Changing diapers is the grossest part of dealing with a baby.
FALSE. Diapers are dirty...but they are confined and usually un-smelly. The folds under a baby's neck, however, are WAY grosser in constancy and aroma. It's like the cup-holder of infancy. They're sticky, smelly, and generally something you should clean more than you do.
Babies are noisy.
TRUE. I don't know how babies generate that much volume for their size but it's definitely in the vacuum cleaner decibel range. However, it's the pre-cursor noises that drive me more crazy than anything else. Kind of like the screeching tires before a really bad car wreck.
Baby age-counting in weeks or months is kind of annoying.
TRUE. I'm vowing to try to keep it to months the first year and then thereafter Foster will be either 1 or 2. Saying 16 months is too much math.
Dressing a baby is a great time for bonding with your child.
FALSE. Dressing a child is a great time for seeing how long you can make your baby scream and cry while you try to get his f-ing leg in the little froggy footies. It's also a great time for trying to stretch the seems out of the neck of a onesie before getting it lodged halfway over his head and causing him to suffocate. It's also a great time for trying to figure out where the hell that mystery snap goes when it seems like everything is already snapped up. Oh yes...dressing a baby is a complete joy.
Having a baby is worth it.
True.
TRUE. Well, I should say that babies cause the MOM to lose a lot of sleep and the dad a little sleep.
Changing diapers is the grossest part of dealing with a baby.
FALSE. Diapers are dirty...but they are confined and usually un-smelly. The folds under a baby's neck, however, are WAY grosser in constancy and aroma. It's like the cup-holder of infancy. They're sticky, smelly, and generally something you should clean more than you do.
Babies are noisy.
TRUE. I don't know how babies generate that much volume for their size but it's definitely in the vacuum cleaner decibel range. However, it's the pre-cursor noises that drive me more crazy than anything else. Kind of like the screeching tires before a really bad car wreck.
Baby age-counting in weeks or months is kind of annoying.
TRUE. I'm vowing to try to keep it to months the first year and then thereafter Foster will be either 1 or 2. Saying 16 months is too much math.
Dressing a baby is a great time for bonding with your child.
FALSE. Dressing a child is a great time for seeing how long you can make your baby scream and cry while you try to get his f-ing leg in the little froggy footies. It's also a great time for trying to stretch the seems out of the neck of a onesie before getting it lodged halfway over his head and causing him to suffocate. It's also a great time for trying to figure out where the hell that mystery snap goes when it seems like everything is already snapped up. Oh yes...dressing a baby is a complete joy.
Having a baby is worth it.
True.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
There's a new entry in my Dad-Dictionary: Nipple Confusion
Pre-parenthood I would have told you that this was a term most relatable to some traumatic teen years of mine. Alas, I have been set straight now on the true meaning. Luckily, Foster's confusion was short lived (of course, his dad is still working things out...)
Nipple doppelgangers are not Foster's only trouble these days. In fact, I'd say that most of his anxiety and headaches come from his own hands. They are flailing all over the place and seem to get involved where they shouldn't. Just when he's about to sleep...bam! He pops himself in the eye. Get him to start sucking on that pacifier? Wham! Out it goes. He's like that inflatable man you see at car dealerships. Silly and slightly dangerous.
Despite his rouge hands, Foster is starting to become quite cute. The smiles are regular now which Amy and I both believe is an animal-like defense mechanism. Not to keep predators at bay, but rather to keep us from throwing him out the window. On fussy nights he can pull us right back from an all out meltdown by just shooting us a little grin. It's like his only form of payment for all the stuff we go through. Lucky for him we except adorableness in lieu of cash.
Pre-parenthood I would have told you that this was a term most relatable to some traumatic teen years of mine. Alas, I have been set straight now on the true meaning. Luckily, Foster's confusion was short lived (of course, his dad is still working things out...)
Nipple doppelgangers are not Foster's only trouble these days. In fact, I'd say that most of his anxiety and headaches come from his own hands. They are flailing all over the place and seem to get involved where they shouldn't. Just when he's about to sleep...bam! He pops himself in the eye. Get him to start sucking on that pacifier? Wham! Out it goes. He's like that inflatable man you see at car dealerships. Silly and slightly dangerous.
Despite his rouge hands, Foster is starting to become quite cute. The smiles are regular now which Amy and I both believe is an animal-like defense mechanism. Not to keep predators at bay, but rather to keep us from throwing him out the window. On fussy nights he can pull us right back from an all out meltdown by just shooting us a little grin. It's like his only form of payment for all the stuff we go through. Lucky for him we except adorableness in lieu of cash.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thoughts on Sleep-overs
Caleb had a friend stay over last night. I think handling a sleep-over is less like parenting and more like hockey goal-tending. You're less involved in the game but still have to spend most of your time watching closely or something bad can happen. If it does, you try to step in and steer the action away from something dangerous or annoying, then grab a drink and get back to watching the violence. Also, it's loud and generally the participants are missing a few teeth.
I've also found that during a sleep-over you go from “Will you please...” to “Don't!” pretty quick. In fact, I think most of my sentences last night started with either “don't”, “stop”, “quit”, “watch out”, and “if you guys don't...”.
Other thoughts:
“Inside voices” apparently has a time limit. If commanded, I think one can only get about four or five minutes before they expire.
1 kid's average volume: 50 decibles. 2 kids together average volume: 175 decibles. It's like some weird quantum mechanics math or something...
Kids are competitive: “No, my fart was WAY louder than YOUR fart!”
Kids breakup and makeup at lightspeed. When do adults stop doing that?
Choices are better if limited to two:
Me: “What do you guys want from the snackbar?”
Kids: “I want pizza. No, fruitpunch. No, rootbeer float. No, icecream. No, granola bar. No, Snickers, No...
Me: “Do you kids want Nachos or do you want to go home?”
I've never welcomed so much giggling and loudness from the backset of the car then when trying to keep Foster from crying while in his carseat. Strangely, the boys constant shananigans helped keep the little one covered in a blanket of white noise.
The floor is a “totally awesome” place to sleep during a sleepover. That is, until about 1:00am when the couch suddenly becomes a better option.
Kids are fickle:
Mark (on April 4th, May 22nd, June 1st, July 20th) : “Hey Caleb, want to play Mario Bros on the Wii?”
Caleb on each of those days: “No, that game is old and boring.”
Caleb on Sleepover day: “Hey Jalen, want to play Mario Bros?”
I've also found that during a sleep-over you go from “Will you please...” to “Don't!” pretty quick. In fact, I think most of my sentences last night started with either “don't”, “stop”, “quit”, “watch out”, and “if you guys don't...”.
Other thoughts:
“Inside voices” apparently has a time limit. If commanded, I think one can only get about four or five minutes before they expire.
1 kid's average volume: 50 decibles. 2 kids together average volume: 175 decibles. It's like some weird quantum mechanics math or something...
Kids are competitive: “No, my fart was WAY louder than YOUR fart!”
Kids breakup and makeup at lightspeed. When do adults stop doing that?
Choices are better if limited to two:
Me: “What do you guys want from the snackbar?”
Kids: “I want pizza. No, fruitpunch. No, rootbeer float. No, icecream. No, granola bar. No, Snickers, No...
Me: “Do you kids want Nachos or do you want to go home?”
I've never welcomed so much giggling and loudness from the backset of the car then when trying to keep Foster from crying while in his carseat. Strangely, the boys constant shananigans helped keep the little one covered in a blanket of white noise.
The floor is a “totally awesome” place to sleep during a sleepover. That is, until about 1:00am when the couch suddenly becomes a better option.
Kids are fickle:
Mark (on April 4th, May 22nd, June 1st, July 20th) : “Hey Caleb, want to play Mario Bros on the Wii?”
Caleb on each of those days: “No, that game is old and boring.”
Caleb on Sleepover day: “Hey Jalen, want to play Mario Bros?”
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Transcript from the secret tapes of the “Doll Family Six”
Characters:
Caleb (7) – Child of Amy and Mark
Gavin (3) – Child of Adam and Julie
Anne (2) – Child of Tim and Mary
Ambria (1) – Child of Adam and Julie
Junia (11mos) – Child of Rachel and Sean
Foster (1mos) – Child of Amy and Mark
The following was recorded August 8th, 2010 at an undisclosed location…
Caleb: Ok everyone, please take your seats. I’d like to call the annual Parent-Headache-Conference to order. Ambria, please take the roll…
Ambria: Yes sir. Gavin?
Gavin: Here
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: Present.
Ambria: Junia?
Junia: Here.
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: (unintelligible)
Ambria: I'm sorry Anne, I couldn't here you.
Anne: Here.
Ambria: Thank you. And I’m here…Mr. President?
Caleb: I’m present as well. Thank you all. I’d like to introduce a new person to the group. We’re expecting great things from him as he comes from good stock and if I say so myself, is just like his older brother. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Foster Doll.
(various hellos from the group)
Foster: Why thank you, Caleb…uh, I mean Mr. President. I’m really proud to be a part of this group and look forward to adding my small contribution to the goals of this organization.
Caleb: Sounds good. Gang, this weekend we’re looking at our first get-together in over a year. It’s going to be a target-rich environment and I think we might be able to set an all time record for being pains-in-the-ass. It’s a lofty goal but I believe that with some hard work and a little luck we can achieve great things! So let’s go through the game-plan, Gavin…let’s start with you. What have you got in store for them?
Gavin: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’ve been working on several things. First, as is my standard…I don’t plan on having my face clean at any point throughout the weekend. Food, treats, whatever I can get my hands on is definitely going to be smashed in and around my mouth.
Caleb: While shirtless, right?
Gavin: Oh, of course. Also, I’m working on this new way to walk. Basically, I just slap my feet down as hard as possible wherever I go. It may not be super annoying, but I think with persistence it might raise a few blood pressure points.
Caleb: I like it. Anything else?
Gavin: It may be tough…but I’m really hoping to set my record for how many times I can get spanked in a single night. I don’t have everything worked out yet, but I think that Buddy is ripe for some real aggravation.
Caleb: Dare to dream, Gavin. It’s all good stuff. And what about your sister? Ambria, what do you have planned?
Ambria: Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid to say that I don’t have much. It’s this damn sleeping pattern they’ve got me on! I’m in bed by like seven o'clock and it really bites into my opportunities!
Caleb: I see. Hmm, I know that you’ll be having dinner with us all at least once or twice. Have you ever tried choking while you eat? That always causes a stir.
Ambria. Oh, that’s good! I also have this fake-choking thing I can try too. Maybe I can make a whole scene! Thanks Caleb!
Caleb: Hey, that’s why we have these meetings. Let's move on to Anne.
Anne: Well, you all know me. It's not my style to act with such exhuberance as my counterpart Gavin. I'm looking to be aggravating in a more refined, classy way.
Caleb: Oh yeah? How so?
Anne: I think I'm going to do a lot of mind changing this weekend. You know, going back and forth from wanting to go inside, outside, on a trip, not on a trip, reading this, playing with that...well, I think that will really get the desired effect we're all looking for. Plus, if I can get two or three people involved with a set of unexpected poopy diapers I think the weekend will go swimmingly.
Caleb: Classy indeed. And you Junia?
Junia: I’m pretty pumped, sir, and think that this is going to be a fabulous weekend for headache-making!
Caleb: Sounds great!
Junia: Yep. Let’s start with electric toothbrushes. If I can get my hands on one I’m going to play the shit out of it. I know it doesn’t sound like much but believe me it won’t take long before the P's will want to scoop out their own eardrums rather than listen to me whirl that baby around. And then, if there is even the slightest chance of Pool-Time, I’m going to get my crawl-on and consistently try to get in it unsupervised. I don’t care if they carry me half a football field away I’m going to get right back in the damn thing.
Ambria: Wow, that’s really good!
Junia: Oh, that’s not all. I swear that if I can get close enough to someone's glasses I’m totally going to rip them off their face! Bye-Bye glasses…hello headache!!
Caleb: Anything else?
Junia: Yep. I think I'm going to just go all out and bite someone. I mean, they can't really get that mad at me, right? I'm not even one yet...what's the worst they can do?
Caleb: I’m impressed, Junia. Really, quite the plan. I knew you’d be excellent the first time I saw you.
Junia: Thank you Sir. I only hope to someday live up to your standards.
Caleb: Well, let’s let our newest member speak. Foster?
Foster: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’m a little hamstrung by being so strapped down everywhere I go but I DO want to contribute. So basically I have a simple plan..
Caleb: What's that?
Foster: I think I’m just going to shit and cry a lot.
Caleb: There's nothing wrong with the classics. Good job Foster.
Gavin: What about you Mr. President? What’s your plan?
Caleb: Well, gang, as you all know I’m getting older. It’s not as easy as you think to cause headaches without some real blow-back. They are expecting more and more from me manners-wise and the old-standbys are just not working as well anymore. It’s a problem you’ll all run into one day as well. It's sad but I can’t risk biting someone or even stomping my feet too loudly. That’ll end me up in time-out the whole weekend and that’s not going to do anyone any good. So I’ve put a lot of thought into it and I think I can pull a good old bait-n-switch with Mark. I overheard there is a build-a-bear where we are going so that's my plan.
Junia: Oh, that store is great. But holy cow is it expensive!
Caleb: I know that and you know that…but tubby don’t. My plan is to pout enough to get him to agree to buy me one of the “basic” models and then after I’m halfway through the process I’ll spring it on him about all of the accessories, clothes, etc that are “required”. I know him...he'll flip a lid when he sees the total.
Junia: Brilliant. He’ll be annoyed AND you get a new bear!
Caleb: Exactly. You’ve got to think these things through. Anyway, I think we’ve all got good ideas of how to proceed this weekend. One last thing though. As is standard, please make sure that at around bath-time we all strip down naked and run around the house as much as possible. It’s a standard for this group and wouldn’t be a get-together without it.
GROUP. Yes sir!!
Caleb: Be careful out there gang. Meeting adjourned.
Characters:
Caleb (7) – Child of Amy and Mark
Gavin (3) – Child of Adam and Julie
Anne (2) – Child of Tim and Mary
Ambria (1) – Child of Adam and Julie
Junia (11mos) – Child of Rachel and Sean
Foster (1mos) – Child of Amy and Mark
The following was recorded August 8th, 2010 at an undisclosed location…
Caleb: Ok everyone, please take your seats. I’d like to call the annual Parent-Headache-Conference to order. Ambria, please take the roll…
Ambria: Yes sir. Gavin?
Gavin: Here
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: Present.
Ambria: Junia?
Junia: Here.
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: (unintelligible)
Ambria: I'm sorry Anne, I couldn't here you.
Anne: Here.
Ambria: Thank you. And I’m here…Mr. President?
Caleb: I’m present as well. Thank you all. I’d like to introduce a new person to the group. We’re expecting great things from him as he comes from good stock and if I say so myself, is just like his older brother. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Foster Doll.
(various hellos from the group)
Foster: Why thank you, Caleb…uh, I mean Mr. President. I’m really proud to be a part of this group and look forward to adding my small contribution to the goals of this organization.
Caleb: Sounds good. Gang, this weekend we’re looking at our first get-together in over a year. It’s going to be a target-rich environment and I think we might be able to set an all time record for being pains-in-the-ass. It’s a lofty goal but I believe that with some hard work and a little luck we can achieve great things! So let’s go through the game-plan, Gavin…let’s start with you. What have you got in store for them?
Gavin: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’ve been working on several things. First, as is my standard…I don’t plan on having my face clean at any point throughout the weekend. Food, treats, whatever I can get my hands on is definitely going to be smashed in and around my mouth.
Caleb: While shirtless, right?
Gavin: Oh, of course. Also, I’m working on this new way to walk. Basically, I just slap my feet down as hard as possible wherever I go. It may not be super annoying, but I think with persistence it might raise a few blood pressure points.
Caleb: I like it. Anything else?
Gavin: It may be tough…but I’m really hoping to set my record for how many times I can get spanked in a single night. I don’t have everything worked out yet, but I think that Buddy is ripe for some real aggravation.
Caleb: Dare to dream, Gavin. It’s all good stuff. And what about your sister? Ambria, what do you have planned?
Ambria: Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid to say that I don’t have much. It’s this damn sleeping pattern they’ve got me on! I’m in bed by like seven o'clock and it really bites into my opportunities!
Caleb: I see. Hmm, I know that you’ll be having dinner with us all at least once or twice. Have you ever tried choking while you eat? That always causes a stir.
Ambria. Oh, that’s good! I also have this fake-choking thing I can try too. Maybe I can make a whole scene! Thanks Caleb!
Caleb: Hey, that’s why we have these meetings. Let's move on to Anne.
Anne: Well, you all know me. It's not my style to act with such exhuberance as my counterpart Gavin. I'm looking to be aggravating in a more refined, classy way.
Caleb: Oh yeah? How so?
Anne: I think I'm going to do a lot of mind changing this weekend. You know, going back and forth from wanting to go inside, outside, on a trip, not on a trip, reading this, playing with that...well, I think that will really get the desired effect we're all looking for. Plus, if I can get two or three people involved with a set of unexpected poopy diapers I think the weekend will go swimmingly.
Caleb: Classy indeed. And you Junia?
Junia: I’m pretty pumped, sir, and think that this is going to be a fabulous weekend for headache-making!
Caleb: Sounds great!
Junia: Yep. Let’s start with electric toothbrushes. If I can get my hands on one I’m going to play the shit out of it. I know it doesn’t sound like much but believe me it won’t take long before the P's will want to scoop out their own eardrums rather than listen to me whirl that baby around. And then, if there is even the slightest chance of Pool-Time, I’m going to get my crawl-on and consistently try to get in it unsupervised. I don’t care if they carry me half a football field away I’m going to get right back in the damn thing.
Ambria: Wow, that’s really good!
Junia: Oh, that’s not all. I swear that if I can get close enough to someone's glasses I’m totally going to rip them off their face! Bye-Bye glasses…hello headache!!
Caleb: Anything else?
Junia: Yep. I think I'm going to just go all out and bite someone. I mean, they can't really get that mad at me, right? I'm not even one yet...what's the worst they can do?
Caleb: I’m impressed, Junia. Really, quite the plan. I knew you’d be excellent the first time I saw you.
Junia: Thank you Sir. I only hope to someday live up to your standards.
Caleb: Well, let’s let our newest member speak. Foster?
Foster: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’m a little hamstrung by being so strapped down everywhere I go but I DO want to contribute. So basically I have a simple plan..
Caleb: What's that?
Foster: I think I’m just going to shit and cry a lot.
Caleb: There's nothing wrong with the classics. Good job Foster.
Gavin: What about you Mr. President? What’s your plan?
Caleb: Well, gang, as you all know I’m getting older. It’s not as easy as you think to cause headaches without some real blow-back. They are expecting more and more from me manners-wise and the old-standbys are just not working as well anymore. It’s a problem you’ll all run into one day as well. It's sad but I can’t risk biting someone or even stomping my feet too loudly. That’ll end me up in time-out the whole weekend and that’s not going to do anyone any good. So I’ve put a lot of thought into it and I think I can pull a good old bait-n-switch with Mark. I overheard there is a build-a-bear where we are going so that's my plan.
Junia: Oh, that store is great. But holy cow is it expensive!
Caleb: I know that and you know that…but tubby don’t. My plan is to pout enough to get him to agree to buy me one of the “basic” models and then after I’m halfway through the process I’ll spring it on him about all of the accessories, clothes, etc that are “required”. I know him...he'll flip a lid when he sees the total.
Junia: Brilliant. He’ll be annoyed AND you get a new bear!
Caleb: Exactly. You’ve got to think these things through. Anyway, I think we’ve all got good ideas of how to proceed this weekend. One last thing though. As is standard, please make sure that at around bath-time we all strip down naked and run around the house as much as possible. It’s a standard for this group and wouldn’t be a get-together without it.
GROUP. Yes sir!!
Caleb: Be careful out there gang. Meeting adjourned.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Life is weird.
Amy and I had our first date night in a long time which we both really enjoyed. I wined and diner her and at the end of the night someone else got to play with the girls. Harumph.
I've learned to treat Fudge like a public pool when it comes to diaper changing. Twice I've escaped disaster by milliseconds when changing him too early after a first poop. I guess he has this desire to christen new diapers right away. Anyway, from now on I'm giving him 20 minutes after the first sign of thunder before allowing myself anywhere near his butt.
Car packing is now equivalent to deep sea exploration. Caleb, Amy, Fudge and I went to Columbus this past week and my Saturn was packed like a sardine. And that was sans Yogi! I guess a Minivan is in our future.
After that I guess I have to start hiking up my trousers to my armpits.
Did I just use the word trousers? Oh God...it's starting...
AMY UPDATE OF THE WEEK:
Wow...already she's under her pre-pregnancy weight. The shape, however, is still being re-constructed (and yes, I asked her for the OK to type this.) She looked mighty good in her Capri's the other night though! :)
CALEB COMMENT OF THE WEEK:
Mark: "Look!, Fudge doesn't even know how to grab things. See Caleb?"
Caleb: "Wow, he is dumb..."
Amy and I had our first date night in a long time which we both really enjoyed. I wined and diner her and at the end of the night someone else got to play with the girls. Harumph.
I've learned to treat Fudge like a public pool when it comes to diaper changing. Twice I've escaped disaster by milliseconds when changing him too early after a first poop. I guess he has this desire to christen new diapers right away. Anyway, from now on I'm giving him 20 minutes after the first sign of thunder before allowing myself anywhere near his butt.
Car packing is now equivalent to deep sea exploration. Caleb, Amy, Fudge and I went to Columbus this past week and my Saturn was packed like a sardine. And that was sans Yogi! I guess a Minivan is in our future.
After that I guess I have to start hiking up my trousers to my armpits.
Did I just use the word trousers? Oh God...it's starting...
AMY UPDATE OF THE WEEK:
Wow...already she's under her pre-pregnancy weight. The shape, however, is still being re-constructed (and yes, I asked her for the OK to type this.) She looked mighty good in her Capri's the other night though! :)
CALEB COMMENT OF THE WEEK:
Mark: "Look!, Fudge doesn't even know how to grab things. See Caleb?"
Caleb: "Wow, he is dumb..."
Friday, July 16, 2010
So a lot has happened in the past two weeks post-birth so here we go:
It is OK to cry over spilled milk. Especially when it’s spilled breast milk that was accidentally knocked over by a careless father. It represents so much more than a mess but also a lost date night and a lost two hours of nipple sucking. Bad Mark, bad.
Speaking of nipples...I didn’t know that they have flow rates. I tried to test-drive Foster with a bottle that Amy had prepared and I guess the one we used had a “high flow rate” nipple. It was pretty traumatic for me because it was like I was water-boarding my own kid. Poor guy...he coughed half of it out the side of his mouth. Question: Do women have different flow rates?
Other things I’ve learned:
Diaper changing is hard but putting an infant’s arms through long sleeves is harder. Why are they so long, anyway? Also, why is it that Coors can develop a can that lets you know exactly when it's cold but Pampers can’t develop a diaper that alerts you when it’s full? C’mon science, get with it...
On the last Stress Test we had for Foster before he was born they used this little buzzer thing to get him to move around. I realized at that moment that this was his very first alarm clock. Sorry Foster, they’ll be with you forever. :(
Things that should be adult-ized:
Sleep Sacks - They TOTALLY look comfy
Musical Aquariums - It’s like a show for your eyes AND ears!
Seats that can be used anywhere – It’s a car seat, it’s a stroller seat, it’s a sleeper!
Baby baths with pillows – The only acceptable time to take a nap while bathing.
Law and Order has got to be the easiest acting gig in the world. I know this doesn’t seem like an observation related to raising kids but when you’re on the couch for a week holding a baby it’s hard not to watch some L&O.
Anyway, Example:
Detective Actor: “So, you blah blah blah”
Suspect Actor: “Yeah, I blah blah blah”
Detective Actor: “Well, then blah blah blah”
Cue Du-Du sound. Repeat until the end of the show.
Side observation: Why does every conversation on Law and Order occur while people are walking around or standing? Doesn’t anyone ever sit? People sit on “House” all the time...
Caleb Comment of the Week:
Mark: Caleb, what are you going to use to carry all of those stuffed animals on this trip?
Caleb: My hands!
Mark: But what if I need you to carry something?
Caleb: That’s why they invented trips.
It is OK to cry over spilled milk. Especially when it’s spilled breast milk that was accidentally knocked over by a careless father. It represents so much more than a mess but also a lost date night and a lost two hours of nipple sucking. Bad Mark, bad.
Speaking of nipples...I didn’t know that they have flow rates. I tried to test-drive Foster with a bottle that Amy had prepared and I guess the one we used had a “high flow rate” nipple. It was pretty traumatic for me because it was like I was water-boarding my own kid. Poor guy...he coughed half of it out the side of his mouth. Question: Do women have different flow rates?
Other things I’ve learned:
Diaper changing is hard but putting an infant’s arms through long sleeves is harder. Why are they so long, anyway? Also, why is it that Coors can develop a can that lets you know exactly when it's cold but Pampers can’t develop a diaper that alerts you when it’s full? C’mon science, get with it...
On the last Stress Test we had for Foster before he was born they used this little buzzer thing to get him to move around. I realized at that moment that this was his very first alarm clock. Sorry Foster, they’ll be with you forever. :(
Things that should be adult-ized:
Sleep Sacks - They TOTALLY look comfy
Musical Aquariums - It’s like a show for your eyes AND ears!
Seats that can be used anywhere – It’s a car seat, it’s a stroller seat, it’s a sleeper!
Baby baths with pillows – The only acceptable time to take a nap while bathing.
Law and Order has got to be the easiest acting gig in the world. I know this doesn’t seem like an observation related to raising kids but when you’re on the couch for a week holding a baby it’s hard not to watch some L&O.
Anyway, Example:
Detective Actor: “So, you blah blah blah”
Suspect Actor: “Yeah, I blah blah blah”
Detective Actor: “Well, then blah blah blah”
Cue Du-Du sound. Repeat until the end of the show.
Side observation: Why does every conversation on Law and Order occur while people are walking around or standing? Doesn’t anyone ever sit? People sit on “House” all the time...
Caleb Comment of the Week:
Mark: Caleb, what are you going to use to carry all of those stuffed animals on this trip?
Caleb: My hands!
Mark: But what if I need you to carry something?
Caleb: That’s why they invented trips.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
He's here and he's beautiful.
I know that constant posts about how special one's children are can be kind of annoying...but today my cynical ass can't come up with anything other than pure joy that Foster is in my life. I'm sure that the quirky and obscure will become apparent (and hopefully funny) again soon...but right now all I can think of is that everything I'm experiencing is precious and wonderful and something that I will never forget.
Right now, I'm sitting here watching him feed calmly, wrapped in a truck outfit...his footies tucked into some oversized socks that make him look like a mini astronaut. Earlier today we took him for his first checkup with the doctor and his little cries for help as he was being examined broke my heart. Amy comforted me (which helped) but it was still hard. Of course I know that I can't keep him from crying forever...but that doesn't mean I can't try.
Last night Foster gave us a preview of upcoming evenings: Eat, sleep a bit, cry a lot, wiggle a bit, repeat. Nothing noteworthy except that he's pooping like a world champion. With his meconium coming out it looks like our own little Gulf Spill. At one point I was wondering if there was a baby version of top-kill that might help. Still, it's "cute poop"... which are two words I thought I'd never put together. :)
I'm a bit more emotional about everything which is a surprise to me. In the hospital they put this little mother-son braclet on each of them so that when they get close together it sings a little song (for security). I feel like I've got a quiet one of my own attached, too. No music, but I light up when he gets close.
Amy is such a good mom. She's so assured with everything and got a calm plan about it all. Fudge and her have this bond (literally) that I can't have but instead of feeling jealous I'm just really glad that he's got another person who loves him as much as I do in his life.
I'm a little neurotic these days too...something that Amy is finding cute at the moment. The 20 minutes it takes me to guide his arm through a sleeve, the 5-point neck support grip I employ, the constant binkie patrol I seem to be on...I just hope that it stays cute until I learn that he won't actually "break". :)
Anyway, all these feelings and thoughts I've been having are nothing new to the world I'm sure. It's new to my world though and I'm really greatful for having them. Welcome, Foster, you beautiful, beautiful boy.
-Daddy
PS. I think I'm messing up the Oxford Comma. (That one was for you, Meg.)
I know that constant posts about how special one's children are can be kind of annoying...but today my cynical ass can't come up with anything other than pure joy that Foster is in my life. I'm sure that the quirky and obscure will become apparent (and hopefully funny) again soon...but right now all I can think of is that everything I'm experiencing is precious and wonderful and something that I will never forget.
Right now, I'm sitting here watching him feed calmly, wrapped in a truck outfit...his footies tucked into some oversized socks that make him look like a mini astronaut. Earlier today we took him for his first checkup with the doctor and his little cries for help as he was being examined broke my heart. Amy comforted me (which helped) but it was still hard. Of course I know that I can't keep him from crying forever...but that doesn't mean I can't try.
Last night Foster gave us a preview of upcoming evenings: Eat, sleep a bit, cry a lot, wiggle a bit, repeat. Nothing noteworthy except that he's pooping like a world champion. With his meconium coming out it looks like our own little Gulf Spill. At one point I was wondering if there was a baby version of top-kill that might help. Still, it's "cute poop"... which are two words I thought I'd never put together. :)
I'm a bit more emotional about everything which is a surprise to me. In the hospital they put this little mother-son braclet on each of them so that when they get close together it sings a little song (for security). I feel like I've got a quiet one of my own attached, too. No music, but I light up when he gets close.
Amy is such a good mom. She's so assured with everything and got a calm plan about it all. Fudge and her have this bond (literally) that I can't have but instead of feeling jealous I'm just really glad that he's got another person who loves him as much as I do in his life.
I'm a little neurotic these days too...something that Amy is finding cute at the moment. The 20 minutes it takes me to guide his arm through a sleeve, the 5-point neck support grip I employ, the constant binkie patrol I seem to be on...I just hope that it stays cute until I learn that he won't actually "break". :)
Anyway, all these feelings and thoughts I've been having are nothing new to the world I'm sure. It's new to my world though and I'm really greatful for having them. Welcome, Foster, you beautiful, beautiful boy.
-Daddy
PS. I think I'm messing up the Oxford Comma. (That one was for you, Meg.)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
He said, she said
Still waiting.
However, we must be getting close because Amy told me yesterday that she lost her mucus plug...which (in her words) was like a big vagina sneeze. Hmm...I wonder if I should have said gesundheit?
This revelation was one of many signs that we are close. On Saturday (d-day + 1) Amy had the idea that we should go to the pool. In Bloomington! Against my objections we went. Of course, 10 minutes after leaving the safe boundaries of Champaign (and its nice, comfy emergency rooms) Amy started having contractions. At first they were about 14 minutes apart but by the time we reached the pool they were closer to 11.
Well, fast forward a couple of hours (and a broken eardrum, which is another story) we get back into the car and she's contracting at about 6 minutes apart. As you can probably guess, I didn't handle it very well. Amy was sure it was nothing but I was pretty sure we were about to enter sit-com territory where I'm pulled over on I-74 trying to deliver Fudge from the back seat while the kindly farmer runs to get water...
Alas, the contractions subsided. At least for a while. They've made some appearances here and there since then but for now everything is holding steady at Def-Con 3.
And now for a guest blog commentary from Amy:
First. I don't recall any "objections" of going to Normal to swim in the pool (until after your eardrum was broken). Second. I was consistently reassuring you that my contractions were not that serious as I could talk through all of them and at NO time did I tell you that you should call your mom (and doubles partner) to tell them that I was experiencing contractions. Third. I promise that we will not leave Champaign until after the baby gets here if YOU promise not to panic and give me that "look" everytime I tell you I'm having a contraction. Deal?
Deal.
Editors Note: This blog was written with full permission of the "mucus plug" story.
However, we must be getting close because Amy told me yesterday that she lost her mucus plug...which (in her words) was like a big vagina sneeze. Hmm...I wonder if I should have said gesundheit?
This revelation was one of many signs that we are close. On Saturday (d-day + 1) Amy had the idea that we should go to the pool. In Bloomington! Against my objections we went. Of course, 10 minutes after leaving the safe boundaries of Champaign (and its nice, comfy emergency rooms) Amy started having contractions. At first they were about 14 minutes apart but by the time we reached the pool they were closer to 11.
Well, fast forward a couple of hours (and a broken eardrum, which is another story) we get back into the car and she's contracting at about 6 minutes apart. As you can probably guess, I didn't handle it very well. Amy was sure it was nothing but I was pretty sure we were about to enter sit-com territory where I'm pulled over on I-74 trying to deliver Fudge from the back seat while the kindly farmer runs to get water...
Alas, the contractions subsided. At least for a while. They've made some appearances here and there since then but for now everything is holding steady at Def-Con 3.
And now for a guest blog commentary from Amy:
First. I don't recall any "objections" of going to Normal to swim in the pool (until after your eardrum was broken). Second. I was consistently reassuring you that my contractions were not that serious as I could talk through all of them and at NO time did I tell you that you should call your mom (and doubles partner) to tell them that I was experiencing contractions. Third. I promise that we will not leave Champaign until after the baby gets here if YOU promise not to panic and give me that "look" everytime I tell you I'm having a contraction. Deal?
Deal.
Editors Note: This blog was written with full permission of the "mucus plug" story.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thoughts from the OB GYN
Well, yesterday was D-Day and it came and went without much news. Apparently Amy is less like an oven and more like a crockpot. Anyway, we spent a good part of the afternoon in the Dr's office where she went through the types of pics and pokes that make me glad I'm a man. Lots of good blog material, though...
I found out that I won't be given scrubs during the delivery. Which is a little bit of a bummer because I always wanted to walk into a room with my hands in the air and say "I'm scrubbed in."
Before one of the appointments, Amy and I had to go the bathroom at the same time and as I customarily do, I said "Race ya!". She never takes me up on it. It's not like I wouldn't give her a head start...
The long white sticks in the box at the OB Gyn's office are NOT suckers.
Amy's working up a bill for me for services rendered as my own personal NICU. Google tells me that Neonatal Unit charges are about a $1,000 a day. Even with a half-price discount we're still talking over $130,000! We're going to settle on just paying off her student loans...
Amy is moving from an "innie" to an "outie". I told her it's like a turkey button and that she's almost done.
Do they make "Zero" Candles for bithday cakes?
I found out that I won't be given scrubs during the delivery. Which is a little bit of a bummer because I always wanted to walk into a room with my hands in the air and say "I'm scrubbed in."
Before one of the appointments, Amy and I had to go the bathroom at the same time and as I customarily do, I said "Race ya!". She never takes me up on it. It's not like I wouldn't give her a head start...
The long white sticks in the box at the OB Gyn's office are NOT suckers.
Amy's working up a bill for me for services rendered as my own personal NICU. Google tells me that Neonatal Unit charges are about a $1,000 a day. Even with a half-price discount we're still talking over $130,000! We're going to settle on just paying off her student loans...
Amy is moving from an "innie" to an "outie". I told her it's like a turkey button and that she's almost done.
Do they make "Zero" Candles for bithday cakes?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Curiosity rising...
Thoughts of the week:
Apparently, sitting "Indian Style" doesn't exist anymore. Caleb, Amy and I were playing underwater at the pool...trying to tread water and I mentioned trying it this way. After a big blank stare from Caleb, Amy set me straight that it's now called "Criss Cross Applesauce". Harumph. I didn't know that sauces sit.
Also on the extinction list? Red Rover, Red Rover (too many injuries), Dodge Ball with actual red balls (too many injuries) and Lawn Jarts with the pointy tips (too f-ing awesome!)
Fudge has been jiggling around a lot lately but hasn't dropped much. I told Amy that he's doing that thing that kids do in hallways where they put their arms and legs against the side to shimmy up and down.
The other day I did a full pantomime of a hemorrhoid. It involved a lot of face puffing.
It took a while, but I finally messed up and sent an email to a client with an XOXO at the end of it. Sorry Mr. Petersen.
I wonder if when Fudge comes out he'll be tired from the move. I know that when I move I'm always tired.
Speaking of wondering:
What color will Fudge's eyes be?
Will he have a lot of hair?
Will he be funny or will he be serious?
Will he be introverted or extroverted?
What will be the first thing he breaks?
What is the first thing he'll do which makes me say "no!"
When will I be peed on first?
Will he even know what DVD's are?
Will he still be called Fudge in highschool?
Hmm...
Apparently, sitting "Indian Style" doesn't exist anymore. Caleb, Amy and I were playing underwater at the pool...trying to tread water and I mentioned trying it this way. After a big blank stare from Caleb, Amy set me straight that it's now called "Criss Cross Applesauce". Harumph. I didn't know that sauces sit.
Also on the extinction list? Red Rover, Red Rover (too many injuries), Dodge Ball with actual red balls (too many injuries) and Lawn Jarts with the pointy tips (too f-ing awesome!)
Fudge has been jiggling around a lot lately but hasn't dropped much. I told Amy that he's doing that thing that kids do in hallways where they put their arms and legs against the side to shimmy up and down.
The other day I did a full pantomime of a hemorrhoid. It involved a lot of face puffing.
It took a while, but I finally messed up and sent an email to a client with an XOXO at the end of it. Sorry Mr. Petersen.
I wonder if when Fudge comes out he'll be tired from the move. I know that when I move I'm always tired.
Speaking of wondering:
What color will Fudge's eyes be?
Will he have a lot of hair?
Will he be funny or will he be serious?
Will he be introverted or extroverted?
What will be the first thing he breaks?
What is the first thing he'll do which makes me say "no!"
When will I be peed on first?
Will he even know what DVD's are?
Will he still be called Fudge in highschool?
Hmm...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Random thoughts from the past 8 1/2 months...
A Cesarean Section is now called a Cesarean Birth. Apparently the term C-section diminishes the effort that a woman puts into having a child. This kind of reminded me of the time I went to Petsmart and asked for a choke chain and was lectured that it’s actually called a “pinch collar”.
Speaking of terms…not since my college Spanish class have I been introduced to words that were this foreign to me. Examples:
Baby Term ---- Mark’s Definition
Meconium --- womb poop
Dilation --- hoo-ha opening
Effacement --- head popping out
Nubain --- The “make you feel a bit loopy” drugs
Cervix --- Girl parts
Bloody Show --- Not what you think
Co-Sleeper --- Crib that attaches to the bed (not the person sleeping next to you)
When Amy and I were making a visit to the hospital we saw an interesting sign that said “Midwifery Services”. Amy thought that maybe it should have been “Midwivery Services” which lead to a conversation without a conclusion. Does one become a midwive if one helps two people at the same time? Do you have to have 2 midwifes to have midwivery? Do they only have Midwives in Utah?
In the last couple months of a pregnancy, I seriously think that packing peanuts might work out better than pillows in bed. There are quite a lot of pillows needed to make an 8 month pregnant woman comfortable.
Sympathy Weight is real! I’ve gained 15 pounds in the past few months and while Amy’s cravings have been relatively calm (chicken nuggets, chicken noodle soup, A Panera Panini)…my cravings have gone from Ice Cream to Frozen Yogurt to Flavorice (Flavorices?) and yes…even pickles. The other day I demanded bread and butter pickle slices be put in the cart when we were shopping. Sigh.
When taking a child to a sonogram…it’s probably a good idea to prep them on what they are going to see. Amy and I brought Caleb to the first sonogram and he was convinced that Amy had swallowed a dog (and an alien).
I think we are paying for this pregnancy with urine. Every time Amy and I go to the doctor she has to bring a vial of pee with her. They say that they are doing some kind of test on it but it all seems really suspicious for me.
I’ve learned that while gently touching your partner’s stomach, the thing NOT to say is “Ewww…gross!” when the baby moves. Even if it’s a really startling movement that feels strange…
Labor Emergency Rooms are nicer than every other emergency room.
A Cesarean Section is now called a Cesarean Birth. Apparently the term C-section diminishes the effort that a woman puts into having a child. This kind of reminded me of the time I went to Petsmart and asked for a choke chain and was lectured that it’s actually called a “pinch collar”.
Speaking of terms…not since my college Spanish class have I been introduced to words that were this foreign to me. Examples:
Baby Term ---- Mark’s Definition
Meconium --- womb poop
Dilation --- hoo-ha opening
Effacement --- head popping out
Nubain --- The “make you feel a bit loopy” drugs
Cervix --- Girl parts
Bloody Show --- Not what you think
Co-Sleeper --- Crib that attaches to the bed (not the person sleeping next to you)
When Amy and I were making a visit to the hospital we saw an interesting sign that said “Midwifery Services”. Amy thought that maybe it should have been “Midwivery Services” which lead to a conversation without a conclusion. Does one become a midwive if one helps two people at the same time? Do you have to have 2 midwifes to have midwivery? Do they only have Midwives in Utah?
In the last couple months of a pregnancy, I seriously think that packing peanuts might work out better than pillows in bed. There are quite a lot of pillows needed to make an 8 month pregnant woman comfortable.
Sympathy Weight is real! I’ve gained 15 pounds in the past few months and while Amy’s cravings have been relatively calm (chicken nuggets, chicken noodle soup, A Panera Panini)…my cravings have gone from Ice Cream to Frozen Yogurt to Flavorice (Flavorices?) and yes…even pickles. The other day I demanded bread and butter pickle slices be put in the cart when we were shopping. Sigh.
When taking a child to a sonogram…it’s probably a good idea to prep them on what they are going to see. Amy and I brought Caleb to the first sonogram and he was convinced that Amy had swallowed a dog (and an alien).
I think we are paying for this pregnancy with urine. Every time Amy and I go to the doctor she has to bring a vial of pee with her. They say that they are doing some kind of test on it but it all seems really suspicious for me.
I’ve learned that while gently touching your partner’s stomach, the thing NOT to say is “Ewww…gross!” when the baby moves. Even if it’s a really startling movement that feels strange…
Labor Emergency Rooms are nicer than every other emergency room.
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