Transcript from the secret tapes of the “Doll Family Six”

Characters:
Caleb (7) – Child of Amy and Mark
Gavin (3) – Child of Adam and Julie
Anne (2) – Child of Tim and Mary
Ambria (1) – Child of Adam and Julie
Junia (11mos) – Child of Rachel and Sean
Foster (1mos) – Child of Amy and Mark


The following was recorded August 8th, 2010 at an undisclosed location…


Caleb: Ok everyone, please take your seats. I’d like to call the annual Parent-Headache-Conference to order. Ambria, please take the roll…

Ambria: Yes sir. Gavin?

Gavin: Here

Ambria: Anne?

Anne: Present.

Ambria: Junia?

Junia: Here.

Ambria: Anne?

Anne: (unintelligible)

Ambria: I'm sorry Anne, I couldn't here you.

Anne: Here.

Ambria: Thank you. And I’m here…Mr. President?

Caleb: I’m present as well. Thank you all. I’d like to introduce a new person to the group. We’re expecting great things from him as he comes from good stock and if I say so myself, is just like his older brother. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Foster Doll.

(various hellos from the group)

Foster: Why thank you, Caleb…uh, I mean Mr. President. I’m really proud to be a part of this group and look forward to adding my small contribution to the goals of this organization.

Caleb: Sounds good. Gang, this weekend we’re looking at our first get-together in over a year. It’s going to be a target-rich environment and I think we might be able to set an all time record for being pains-in-the-ass. It’s a lofty goal but I believe that with some hard work and a little luck we can achieve great things! So let’s go through the game-plan, Gavin…let’s start with you. What have you got in store for them?

Gavin: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’ve been working on several things. First, as is my standard…I don’t plan on having my face clean at any point throughout the weekend. Food, treats, whatever I can get my hands on is definitely going to be smashed in and around my mouth.

Caleb: While shirtless, right?

Gavin: Oh, of course. Also, I’m working on this new way to walk. Basically, I just slap my feet down as hard as possible wherever I go. It may not be super annoying, but I think with persistence it might raise a few blood pressure points.

Caleb: I like it. Anything else?

Gavin: It may be tough…but I’m really hoping to set my record for how many times I can get spanked in a single night. I don’t have everything worked out yet, but I think that Buddy is ripe for some real aggravation.

Caleb: Dare to dream, Gavin. It’s all good stuff. And what about your sister? Ambria, what do you have planned?

Ambria: Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid to say that I don’t have much. It’s this damn sleeping pattern they’ve got me on! I’m in bed by like seven o'clock and it really bites into my opportunities!

Caleb: I see. Hmm, I know that you’ll be having dinner with us all at least once or twice. Have you ever tried choking while you eat? That always causes a stir.

Ambria. Oh, that’s good! I also have this fake-choking thing I can try too. Maybe I can make a whole scene! Thanks Caleb!

Caleb: Hey, that’s why we have these meetings. Let's move on to Anne.

Anne: Well, you all know me. It's not my style to act with such exhuberance as my counterpart Gavin. I'm looking to be aggravating in a more refined, classy way.

Caleb: Oh yeah? How so?

Anne: I think I'm going to do a lot of mind changing this weekend. You know, going back and forth from wanting to go inside, outside, on a trip, not on a trip, reading this, playing with that...well, I think that will really get the desired effect we're all looking for. Plus, if I can get two or three people involved with a set of unexpected poopy diapers I think the weekend will go swimmingly.

Caleb: Classy indeed. And you Junia?

Junia: I’m pretty pumped, sir, and think that this is going to be a fabulous weekend for headache-making!

Caleb: Sounds great!

Junia: Yep. Let’s start with electric toothbrushes. If I can get my hands on one I’m going to play the shit out of it. I know it doesn’t sound like much but believe me it won’t take long before the P's will want to scoop out their own eardrums rather than listen to me whirl that baby around. And then, if there is even the slightest chance of Pool-Time, I’m going to get my crawl-on and consistently try to get in it unsupervised. I don’t care if they carry me half a football field away I’m going to get right back in the damn thing.

Ambria: Wow, that’s really good!

Junia: Oh, that’s not all. I swear that if I can get close enough to someone's glasses I’m totally going to rip them off their face! Bye-Bye glasses…hello headache!!

Caleb: Anything else?

Junia: Yep. I think I'm going to just go all out and bite someone. I mean, they can't really get that mad at me, right? I'm not even one yet...what's the worst they can do?

Caleb: I’m impressed, Junia. Really, quite the plan. I knew you’d be excellent the first time I saw you.

Junia: Thank you Sir. I only hope to someday live up to your standards.

Caleb: Well, let’s let our newest member speak. Foster?

Foster: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’m a little hamstrung by being so strapped down everywhere I go but I DO want to contribute. So basically I have a simple plan..

Caleb: What's that?

Foster: I think I’m just going to shit and cry a lot.

Caleb: There's nothing wrong with the classics. Good job Foster.

Gavin: What about you Mr. President? What’s your plan?

Caleb: Well, gang, as you all know I’m getting older. It’s not as easy as you think to cause headaches without some real blow-back. They are expecting more and more from me manners-wise and the old-standbys are just not working as well anymore. It’s a problem you’ll all run into one day as well. It's sad but I can’t risk biting someone or even stomping my feet too loudly. That’ll end me up in time-out the whole weekend and that’s not going to do anyone any good. So I’ve put a lot of thought into it and I think I can pull a good old bait-n-switch with Mark. I overheard there is a build-a-bear where we are going so that's my plan.

Junia: Oh, that store is great. But holy cow is it expensive!

Caleb: I know that and you know that…but tubby don’t. My plan is to pout enough to get him to agree to buy me one of the “basic” models and then after I’m halfway through the process I’ll spring it on him about all of the accessories, clothes, etc that are “required”. I know him...he'll flip a lid when he sees the total.

Junia: Brilliant. He’ll be annoyed AND you get a new bear!

Caleb: Exactly. You’ve got to think these things through. Anyway, I think we’ve all got good ideas of how to proceed this weekend. One last thing though. As is standard, please make sure that at around bath-time we all strip down naked and run around the house as much as possible. It’s a standard for this group and wouldn’t be a get-together without it.

GROUP. Yes sir!!

Caleb: Be careful out there gang. Meeting adjourned.