There's a new entry in my Dad-Dictionary: Nipple Confusion
Pre-parenthood I would have told you that this was a term most relatable to some traumatic teen years of mine. Alas, I have been set straight now on the true meaning. Luckily, Foster's confusion was short lived (of course, his dad is still working things out...)
Nipple doppelgangers are not Foster's only trouble these days. In fact, I'd say that most of his anxiety and headaches come from his own hands. They are flailing all over the place and seem to get involved where they shouldn't. Just when he's about to sleep...bam! He pops himself in the eye. Get him to start sucking on that pacifier? Wham! Out it goes. He's like that inflatable man you see at car dealerships. Silly and slightly dangerous.
Despite his rouge hands, Foster is starting to become quite cute. The smiles are regular now which Amy and I both believe is an animal-like defense mechanism. Not to keep predators at bay, but rather to keep us from throwing him out the window. On fussy nights he can pull us right back from an all out meltdown by just shooting us a little grin. It's like his only form of payment for all the stuff we go through. Lucky for him we except adorableness in lieu of cash.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thoughts on Sleep-overs
Caleb had a friend stay over last night. I think handling a sleep-over is less like parenting and more like hockey goal-tending. You're less involved in the game but still have to spend most of your time watching closely or something bad can happen. If it does, you try to step in and steer the action away from something dangerous or annoying, then grab a drink and get back to watching the violence. Also, it's loud and generally the participants are missing a few teeth.
I've also found that during a sleep-over you go from “Will you please...” to “Don't!” pretty quick. In fact, I think most of my sentences last night started with either “don't”, “stop”, “quit”, “watch out”, and “if you guys don't...”.
Other thoughts:
“Inside voices” apparently has a time limit. If commanded, I think one can only get about four or five minutes before they expire.
1 kid's average volume: 50 decibles. 2 kids together average volume: 175 decibles. It's like some weird quantum mechanics math or something...
Kids are competitive: “No, my fart was WAY louder than YOUR fart!”
Kids breakup and makeup at lightspeed. When do adults stop doing that?
Choices are better if limited to two:
Me: “What do you guys want from the snackbar?”
Kids: “I want pizza. No, fruitpunch. No, rootbeer float. No, icecream. No, granola bar. No, Snickers, No...
Me: “Do you kids want Nachos or do you want to go home?”
I've never welcomed so much giggling and loudness from the backset of the car then when trying to keep Foster from crying while in his carseat. Strangely, the boys constant shananigans helped keep the little one covered in a blanket of white noise.
The floor is a “totally awesome” place to sleep during a sleepover. That is, until about 1:00am when the couch suddenly becomes a better option.
Kids are fickle:
Mark (on April 4th, May 22nd, June 1st, July 20th) : “Hey Caleb, want to play Mario Bros on the Wii?”
Caleb on each of those days: “No, that game is old and boring.”
Caleb on Sleepover day: “Hey Jalen, want to play Mario Bros?”
I've also found that during a sleep-over you go from “Will you please...” to “Don't!” pretty quick. In fact, I think most of my sentences last night started with either “don't”, “stop”, “quit”, “watch out”, and “if you guys don't...”.
Other thoughts:
“Inside voices” apparently has a time limit. If commanded, I think one can only get about four or five minutes before they expire.
1 kid's average volume: 50 decibles. 2 kids together average volume: 175 decibles. It's like some weird quantum mechanics math or something...
Kids are competitive: “No, my fart was WAY louder than YOUR fart!”
Kids breakup and makeup at lightspeed. When do adults stop doing that?
Choices are better if limited to two:
Me: “What do you guys want from the snackbar?”
Kids: “I want pizza. No, fruitpunch. No, rootbeer float. No, icecream. No, granola bar. No, Snickers, No...
Me: “Do you kids want Nachos or do you want to go home?”
I've never welcomed so much giggling and loudness from the backset of the car then when trying to keep Foster from crying while in his carseat. Strangely, the boys constant shananigans helped keep the little one covered in a blanket of white noise.
The floor is a “totally awesome” place to sleep during a sleepover. That is, until about 1:00am when the couch suddenly becomes a better option.
Kids are fickle:
Mark (on April 4th, May 22nd, June 1st, July 20th) : “Hey Caleb, want to play Mario Bros on the Wii?”
Caleb on each of those days: “No, that game is old and boring.”
Caleb on Sleepover day: “Hey Jalen, want to play Mario Bros?”
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Transcript from the secret tapes of the “Doll Family Six”
Characters:
Caleb (7) – Child of Amy and Mark
Gavin (3) – Child of Adam and Julie
Anne (2) – Child of Tim and Mary
Ambria (1) – Child of Adam and Julie
Junia (11mos) – Child of Rachel and Sean
Foster (1mos) – Child of Amy and Mark
The following was recorded August 8th, 2010 at an undisclosed location…
Caleb: Ok everyone, please take your seats. I’d like to call the annual Parent-Headache-Conference to order. Ambria, please take the roll…
Ambria: Yes sir. Gavin?
Gavin: Here
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: Present.
Ambria: Junia?
Junia: Here.
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: (unintelligible)
Ambria: I'm sorry Anne, I couldn't here you.
Anne: Here.
Ambria: Thank you. And I’m here…Mr. President?
Caleb: I’m present as well. Thank you all. I’d like to introduce a new person to the group. We’re expecting great things from him as he comes from good stock and if I say so myself, is just like his older brother. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Foster Doll.
(various hellos from the group)
Foster: Why thank you, Caleb…uh, I mean Mr. President. I’m really proud to be a part of this group and look forward to adding my small contribution to the goals of this organization.
Caleb: Sounds good. Gang, this weekend we’re looking at our first get-together in over a year. It’s going to be a target-rich environment and I think we might be able to set an all time record for being pains-in-the-ass. It’s a lofty goal but I believe that with some hard work and a little luck we can achieve great things! So let’s go through the game-plan, Gavin…let’s start with you. What have you got in store for them?
Gavin: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’ve been working on several things. First, as is my standard…I don’t plan on having my face clean at any point throughout the weekend. Food, treats, whatever I can get my hands on is definitely going to be smashed in and around my mouth.
Caleb: While shirtless, right?
Gavin: Oh, of course. Also, I’m working on this new way to walk. Basically, I just slap my feet down as hard as possible wherever I go. It may not be super annoying, but I think with persistence it might raise a few blood pressure points.
Caleb: I like it. Anything else?
Gavin: It may be tough…but I’m really hoping to set my record for how many times I can get spanked in a single night. I don’t have everything worked out yet, but I think that Buddy is ripe for some real aggravation.
Caleb: Dare to dream, Gavin. It’s all good stuff. And what about your sister? Ambria, what do you have planned?
Ambria: Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid to say that I don’t have much. It’s this damn sleeping pattern they’ve got me on! I’m in bed by like seven o'clock and it really bites into my opportunities!
Caleb: I see. Hmm, I know that you’ll be having dinner with us all at least once or twice. Have you ever tried choking while you eat? That always causes a stir.
Ambria. Oh, that’s good! I also have this fake-choking thing I can try too. Maybe I can make a whole scene! Thanks Caleb!
Caleb: Hey, that’s why we have these meetings. Let's move on to Anne.
Anne: Well, you all know me. It's not my style to act with such exhuberance as my counterpart Gavin. I'm looking to be aggravating in a more refined, classy way.
Caleb: Oh yeah? How so?
Anne: I think I'm going to do a lot of mind changing this weekend. You know, going back and forth from wanting to go inside, outside, on a trip, not on a trip, reading this, playing with that...well, I think that will really get the desired effect we're all looking for. Plus, if I can get two or three people involved with a set of unexpected poopy diapers I think the weekend will go swimmingly.
Caleb: Classy indeed. And you Junia?
Junia: I’m pretty pumped, sir, and think that this is going to be a fabulous weekend for headache-making!
Caleb: Sounds great!
Junia: Yep. Let’s start with electric toothbrushes. If I can get my hands on one I’m going to play the shit out of it. I know it doesn’t sound like much but believe me it won’t take long before the P's will want to scoop out their own eardrums rather than listen to me whirl that baby around. And then, if there is even the slightest chance of Pool-Time, I’m going to get my crawl-on and consistently try to get in it unsupervised. I don’t care if they carry me half a football field away I’m going to get right back in the damn thing.
Ambria: Wow, that’s really good!
Junia: Oh, that’s not all. I swear that if I can get close enough to someone's glasses I’m totally going to rip them off their face! Bye-Bye glasses…hello headache!!
Caleb: Anything else?
Junia: Yep. I think I'm going to just go all out and bite someone. I mean, they can't really get that mad at me, right? I'm not even one yet...what's the worst they can do?
Caleb: I’m impressed, Junia. Really, quite the plan. I knew you’d be excellent the first time I saw you.
Junia: Thank you Sir. I only hope to someday live up to your standards.
Caleb: Well, let’s let our newest member speak. Foster?
Foster: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’m a little hamstrung by being so strapped down everywhere I go but I DO want to contribute. So basically I have a simple plan..
Caleb: What's that?
Foster: I think I’m just going to shit and cry a lot.
Caleb: There's nothing wrong with the classics. Good job Foster.
Gavin: What about you Mr. President? What’s your plan?
Caleb: Well, gang, as you all know I’m getting older. It’s not as easy as you think to cause headaches without some real blow-back. They are expecting more and more from me manners-wise and the old-standbys are just not working as well anymore. It’s a problem you’ll all run into one day as well. It's sad but I can’t risk biting someone or even stomping my feet too loudly. That’ll end me up in time-out the whole weekend and that’s not going to do anyone any good. So I’ve put a lot of thought into it and I think I can pull a good old bait-n-switch with Mark. I overheard there is a build-a-bear where we are going so that's my plan.
Junia: Oh, that store is great. But holy cow is it expensive!
Caleb: I know that and you know that…but tubby don’t. My plan is to pout enough to get him to agree to buy me one of the “basic” models and then after I’m halfway through the process I’ll spring it on him about all of the accessories, clothes, etc that are “required”. I know him...he'll flip a lid when he sees the total.
Junia: Brilliant. He’ll be annoyed AND you get a new bear!
Caleb: Exactly. You’ve got to think these things through. Anyway, I think we’ve all got good ideas of how to proceed this weekend. One last thing though. As is standard, please make sure that at around bath-time we all strip down naked and run around the house as much as possible. It’s a standard for this group and wouldn’t be a get-together without it.
GROUP. Yes sir!!
Caleb: Be careful out there gang. Meeting adjourned.
Characters:
Caleb (7) – Child of Amy and Mark
Gavin (3) – Child of Adam and Julie
Anne (2) – Child of Tim and Mary
Ambria (1) – Child of Adam and Julie
Junia (11mos) – Child of Rachel and Sean
Foster (1mos) – Child of Amy and Mark
The following was recorded August 8th, 2010 at an undisclosed location…
Caleb: Ok everyone, please take your seats. I’d like to call the annual Parent-Headache-Conference to order. Ambria, please take the roll…
Ambria: Yes sir. Gavin?
Gavin: Here
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: Present.
Ambria: Junia?
Junia: Here.
Ambria: Anne?
Anne: (unintelligible)
Ambria: I'm sorry Anne, I couldn't here you.
Anne: Here.
Ambria: Thank you. And I’m here…Mr. President?
Caleb: I’m present as well. Thank you all. I’d like to introduce a new person to the group. We’re expecting great things from him as he comes from good stock and if I say so myself, is just like his older brother. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Foster Doll.
(various hellos from the group)
Foster: Why thank you, Caleb…uh, I mean Mr. President. I’m really proud to be a part of this group and look forward to adding my small contribution to the goals of this organization.
Caleb: Sounds good. Gang, this weekend we’re looking at our first get-together in over a year. It’s going to be a target-rich environment and I think we might be able to set an all time record for being pains-in-the-ass. It’s a lofty goal but I believe that with some hard work and a little luck we can achieve great things! So let’s go through the game-plan, Gavin…let’s start with you. What have you got in store for them?
Gavin: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’ve been working on several things. First, as is my standard…I don’t plan on having my face clean at any point throughout the weekend. Food, treats, whatever I can get my hands on is definitely going to be smashed in and around my mouth.
Caleb: While shirtless, right?
Gavin: Oh, of course. Also, I’m working on this new way to walk. Basically, I just slap my feet down as hard as possible wherever I go. It may not be super annoying, but I think with persistence it might raise a few blood pressure points.
Caleb: I like it. Anything else?
Gavin: It may be tough…but I’m really hoping to set my record for how many times I can get spanked in a single night. I don’t have everything worked out yet, but I think that Buddy is ripe for some real aggravation.
Caleb: Dare to dream, Gavin. It’s all good stuff. And what about your sister? Ambria, what do you have planned?
Ambria: Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid to say that I don’t have much. It’s this damn sleeping pattern they’ve got me on! I’m in bed by like seven o'clock and it really bites into my opportunities!
Caleb: I see. Hmm, I know that you’ll be having dinner with us all at least once or twice. Have you ever tried choking while you eat? That always causes a stir.
Ambria. Oh, that’s good! I also have this fake-choking thing I can try too. Maybe I can make a whole scene! Thanks Caleb!
Caleb: Hey, that’s why we have these meetings. Let's move on to Anne.
Anne: Well, you all know me. It's not my style to act with such exhuberance as my counterpart Gavin. I'm looking to be aggravating in a more refined, classy way.
Caleb: Oh yeah? How so?
Anne: I think I'm going to do a lot of mind changing this weekend. You know, going back and forth from wanting to go inside, outside, on a trip, not on a trip, reading this, playing with that...well, I think that will really get the desired effect we're all looking for. Plus, if I can get two or three people involved with a set of unexpected poopy diapers I think the weekend will go swimmingly.
Caleb: Classy indeed. And you Junia?
Junia: I’m pretty pumped, sir, and think that this is going to be a fabulous weekend for headache-making!
Caleb: Sounds great!
Junia: Yep. Let’s start with electric toothbrushes. If I can get my hands on one I’m going to play the shit out of it. I know it doesn’t sound like much but believe me it won’t take long before the P's will want to scoop out their own eardrums rather than listen to me whirl that baby around. And then, if there is even the slightest chance of Pool-Time, I’m going to get my crawl-on and consistently try to get in it unsupervised. I don’t care if they carry me half a football field away I’m going to get right back in the damn thing.
Ambria: Wow, that’s really good!
Junia: Oh, that’s not all. I swear that if I can get close enough to someone's glasses I’m totally going to rip them off their face! Bye-Bye glasses…hello headache!!
Caleb: Anything else?
Junia: Yep. I think I'm going to just go all out and bite someone. I mean, they can't really get that mad at me, right? I'm not even one yet...what's the worst they can do?
Caleb: I’m impressed, Junia. Really, quite the plan. I knew you’d be excellent the first time I saw you.
Junia: Thank you Sir. I only hope to someday live up to your standards.
Caleb: Well, let’s let our newest member speak. Foster?
Foster: Thanks Caleb. Well, I’m a little hamstrung by being so strapped down everywhere I go but I DO want to contribute. So basically I have a simple plan..
Caleb: What's that?
Foster: I think I’m just going to shit and cry a lot.
Caleb: There's nothing wrong with the classics. Good job Foster.
Gavin: What about you Mr. President? What’s your plan?
Caleb: Well, gang, as you all know I’m getting older. It’s not as easy as you think to cause headaches without some real blow-back. They are expecting more and more from me manners-wise and the old-standbys are just not working as well anymore. It’s a problem you’ll all run into one day as well. It's sad but I can’t risk biting someone or even stomping my feet too loudly. That’ll end me up in time-out the whole weekend and that’s not going to do anyone any good. So I’ve put a lot of thought into it and I think I can pull a good old bait-n-switch with Mark. I overheard there is a build-a-bear where we are going so that's my plan.
Junia: Oh, that store is great. But holy cow is it expensive!
Caleb: I know that and you know that…but tubby don’t. My plan is to pout enough to get him to agree to buy me one of the “basic” models and then after I’m halfway through the process I’ll spring it on him about all of the accessories, clothes, etc that are “required”. I know him...he'll flip a lid when he sees the total.
Junia: Brilliant. He’ll be annoyed AND you get a new bear!
Caleb: Exactly. You’ve got to think these things through. Anyway, I think we’ve all got good ideas of how to proceed this weekend. One last thing though. As is standard, please make sure that at around bath-time we all strip down naked and run around the house as much as possible. It’s a standard for this group and wouldn’t be a get-together without it.
GROUP. Yes sir!!
Caleb: Be careful out there gang. Meeting adjourned.
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